Unappreciated virtues

The subject of morality is a volatile and questionable topic in today's fast changing world. What we learnt as qualities worthy to be emulated as kids are no longer appreciated. In fact, some of these traits are considered a weakness of character. Many of us find it hard to reconcile what we have learnt so far and what we are pushed to become to appear suited to this world. Virtues like modesty have lost their charm and pretentiousness is admired. So, should we change for the world to take us seriously or should we still cling onto morals that we have vehemently believed in so far?

Indian value system has always laid great importance on modesty. I still remember my mother telling me that "A tree loaded with fruits will always stoop down and will never be uptight." So the more accolades you acquire in life, the more humble you should  become. But the world is not the same as it was a couple of decades ago. Aloofness and attitude is required for maintaining a certain degree of "respect". If you have a soft interior and have a natural affinity for accommodating, people have a tendency to take you for a ride. So, hard or easy, you learn over time that you have to become immodest to command respect and less accommodating to be obeyed.

Your job often defines how you are supposed to behave in the civilized world and this is especially true when you land up in a job that has a nuisance value associated with it. I have always been the square peg in a round hole and I didn't want this time to be any different. There were times when old acquaintances would stop by and tell me that I hadn't changed a bit and they could see my younger version in me. I always took pride in my humility and never questioned if it was in any way making me look less important. But just six months into this job, I have realized that arrogance to a limited extent is required. A stern face, preferably with a frown is taken more seriously than a smile. Just as justice is not done till it is shown to be done, power without the show is of no consequence.

I have had a nomadic childhood, changing schools, friends and places every couple of years. I was a "give-no-trouble" child always adjusting to changes without a fuss. Post-college started the P.G. days, with new flatmates and roommates every few years and as a rule, everyone wanted to stay with me. I have been known to be least intrusive at the same time being caring. I have a habit of reasoning and never raise my voice in unnecessary arguments. And this adjusting attitude has gone on for so long that I have nearly "lost" my temper. I can not even remember the last time I got angry. Temper is considered a vice but no temper at all - isn't that a bigger vice?

Simplicity had its admirers but no longer. A person who dresses and behaves in the most unpretentious way soon finds himself running out of life's opportunities. Their simplicity is considered as their weakness. Flamboyance even though lacking any substance is much regarded. For people to take note of you, you have to don the latest designer wear, flaunt an apple and put on display all the latest brands you can afford. Yes, sustaining this pretension requires a lot of work but at least you were noticed, what about those rest who could not even pass the first test?

The new India of opportunities is all about networking. The more talkative and manipulative you are, the higher up the ladder you climb. The character of Frank Underwood in House of cards, a popular sitcom is all about deceit and trickery. Reading people and using them to your advantage even at the cost of harming them is the key to surviving in this highly competitive world. Emotions never drive the winner, it's only logic and logic alone. In fact, an emotional person is branded as a fool. So, is there no place for a "good"heart in this opportunistic world?

There are no right answers when it comes to morality. Each and every one of us sets their own standards which themselves keep changing. It is true that virtues like modesty, kindness and simplicity have lost their sheen, but it is only these that will win you your true friends. A bipolar personality is what we all should cultivate. A little bit of arrogance, meanness and show-off will work wonders, so there is nothing wrong in imbibing these "vices". Choose your own tone of grey - that's for you to decide.

SATC girls

One advantage of being single is that you get to spend quality time with girl friends who always make you feel special come what may. This Sunday was one of those moments when I really felt that having girl friends is one of the best things a woman can have. The plan was impromptu but the reason was special - it was the break-up party of a dear friend. We chose a loud hangout place and made no efforts at being sober. But, the best part of the evening was the fact that each of us had some thoughts to take away home, some shakeup deep inside compelling us to look at ourselves in a completely new light. 

The evening started off with a dressing up spree. For the first time, I got to know that my roommate N had such a rich wardrobe. Me and D, borrowed her dresses, put on our heels and we three got into the cab hurriedly asking him to shoot away to Khan Market where our fourth compatriot had already arrived. Then was the time for some melodrama - N let her heart out to us exposing all that she felt throughout the relationship. I have known N for the last five months and I was always aware that she has this soft inside which she hides inside her hard exterior. N told us how the guy always made her feel that she was not right and manipulated her into thinking that she was not good enough. But what hit me hardest of her outbursts was when she said - "I don't think anyone will ever love me."

What shook me was the realization that each of us, despite being the cream of women in India lacked what I call a feeling of self worth. Woman always look for a man to make them feel special and loved. And if we are single, we start doubting our attractiveness and our charm. We feel that we are not good enough to be able to attract men. We go bankrupt on our attire and saloon visits just for a word of appreciation from an obscure member of the male community. Our world goes round and round the lives of men who have easily made way to our hearts held very delicately on our sleeves. "Did he call?"; "Oh he didn't?"; "Did he message?"; "What must he be thinking?"; "Should I send him this pic?";"Oh, probably not, I look so fat in this and so ugly." - These endless questions just clog up our mind, making us incapable of ever thinking about ourselves. We lose ourselves somewhere in the quest of making our man happy and satisfied.

So why is it that we women don't love ourselves? Why are we so vulnerable to heart breaks? Getting hurt in relationships is like our best pastime. We care more about what others think about us and not what we think of ourselves. D, says that these inner demons have been fed by our social conditioning. We are taught to live for others and at each and every moment be conscious of what the society expects from a "good" girl. I don't think that this concept of living up to the image that society expects us to carry is bad per se. Women, being the propagators of human race, definitely carry an immense amount of responsibility on their shoulders. As mothers, we are the first teachers to our children and so it is indeed important that we follow certain rules of conduct that can help us deliver on our roles. As wives, we bring in the soft element in the family that binds it together. As daughters, we are the poles of strength that though feeble in looks, can withstand all pain. In this battle of expectations and individuality, it is we who have to draw the line. Each of us had to understand that in the process of giving we should not give ourselves up. People who care for us, will always be conscious of our needs and give us the space to be ourselves with no qualms whatsoever. But, those who don't will always impose their will on us in the garb of society's expectations.

This tough lesson has been hard to learn for many of us, but it is only falls in our life that make us rise higher. So at the end of this lovely Sunday evening, the four awesome SATC girls decided to find things that interest them, explore hobbies that will make them fuller and pledged to live a life that will be more meaningful. Charles Bukowski has said famously that "There is a place in the heart that will never be filled. And even during the best moments and the greatest times we will know it. There is a place in the heart that will never get filled and we will wait and wait in that space." This space is for you to fill - so girls, explore this beautiful world and love yourself because you are worthy.

Our patterned spectacles

India today is a confluence of values and ideas - new and old. We are imbibing new values while at the same time trying to keep our conservatism intact. We are shedding our decadent notions and striving to be forward looking and liberal. We fight to live by our new found principles, at each step fending off taunts from the society of being too "fast" or "modern". And we all are proud of our audacity to stand as islands of modernity in an ocean of ignorance. But there are moments when you realize that your principles are a farce and they will not be able to survive in the turbulence of the ocean. In fact, we have never really faced the ocean, always comforting ourselves within the glass walls of our city homes. We look at the world in a certain manner when in our cocoons and with the same ease don our patterned spectacles when faced with the heat of the wilderness.

Just a couple of weeks back, I visited the hill station of Manali with a friend and her husband. The entire trip was planned by her and I just tagged along. Since we were three, she booked a seat for me in the ladies quota which meant that only another lady could occupy the seat next to me. This was bad news for the bus operator since there was no other single lady apart from me travelling that day. Initially he was polite and asked my friend to shift next to me but when she refused, he raised his tone. It came to the point when there was an open altercation and he asked me to get down after paying some token amount. And all this while, he never talked to me, he was always addressing my friend's husband, making me feel as if I was a non-entity just because I was a lady and it was the male member of our group who was responsible for my decisions. I was quite shaken aback by his behavior but what shocked me more was my reaction to the entire episode. Somewhere deep down, I felt a sense of relief that there was a male in our group and I didn't have to deal with this crass bus operator. I was not angry at him for treating me like a nobody and I gracefully let him do that because I found myself incapable of even reasoning with him.

I have always been a person who makes all efforts to uphold and live by my liberal principles and supports freedom of choice. And in my foolish idealism, I sometimes act just to test my depth of conviction. But, most of the time these experiments are within my comfort zone. So, I have traveled alone before, on a leisure trip, but by air consciously not choosing a cheaper media like a bus. Does that mean that all my talk to idealism is only within the confines of my glasshouse? And once I face an alien world, I comfortably slip into my old spectacles looking at things the same way as others do.

And if that is so, then I am a hypocrite who changes stance to suit the situation. I am a coward at some level, refusing to confront the toughness of the world.

It is true that in life one has to be flexible with the way one reacts to each situation. That is pragmatism. An idealistic approach in life is not practical. Sometimes, we should let the situation dictate our reaction. Deep inside, we all know how strong we are. Maybe I was not strong enough to be able to confront the scene that unfolded in the bus, so it is totally fine to let the situation take control. Sometimes idealism does not help solve problems and instead complicates matters. But yes, we have to judge when to confront and when to back off.

That incident on the bus, apart from causing us a moment of discomfort, taught me a lot about myself. I have realized that each of us is layered and it is through these occasional forays in the real world that we uncover those layers. We say that we don't understand others but the truth is that we actually don't know ourselves. So, let yourself be free, come out of your cocoons and discover yourself!

Black Swan

Every known religion of the world teaches us to be moral and at all costs shun depravity. The seven deadly sins - wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy and gluttony - were vices that every Christian was required to abstain from. Hindus, believe that a sinful act will lead to a negative consequence, known as the principle of karma. In Islam, actions against the teachings of Allah are considered haraam, no matter how good the intention is. Living a life of virtue is all about of restraining yourself from corrupt actions.

But, sometimes, you know that your actions would be wrong but you still feel tempted to commit them? Does that mean that you have lost all morality? Is it perfectly acceptable to have immoral thoughts if you don't act upon them? A dirty thought hidden in your mind - which no one would ever know - would that make you sinful? Do you sometimes face an internal conflict, a "black swan" raising its head, nudging you to immorality?

My sister is a charming, adorable girl with her heart at the right place. She has always had a long list of friends and admirers. I am more of a loner, in candid words - socially awkward. I have never confessed to her, but there were times, when I felt envious of her for all the attention that she got. These thoughts were not grave enough to compel me to act in sinful ways so I won't be called an immoral person by the society. If you commit the act, you are reprimanded and that helps you get over the guilt. But if this "black swan"just flutters its wings in your mind and you never confess in the fear that people may judge you, your sense of guilt eats you inside.

A powerful job brings with it many pulls and pressures. Your idea of morality is put to test each and every passing day. In the eyes to the world, you may be pronounced honest but there are moments when temptations rise in your head. Somewhere you know that once you go down the slippery path, there is no looking back. But, your head says - just this one time and never again. There is a constant tussle between the white and the black swan. Maybe, the white one wins at the end, but does that absolve you of all misdeeds? Are you not guilty of "thinking" greedy?

The only saving grace with thinking dirty is that it goes on in your head, it harms you and not the society. But, each passing moment, you feel ashamed that the person you envy loves you and the society still holds you in high regard. So, how do you fight your inner demons and clip the feathers of the black swan?Christianity has a concept called the confession box - you can stand behind a curtain and accept your thoughts before a priest who is duty bound to remain tight-lipped. Accepting your sinful thoughts definitely involves immense courage ; knowing that people may judge you is not easy. But the kind of liberation you feel after shedding this load overbearing on your soul is profound. The black swan gets emboldened unless you face it - challenge it and you will see what a feeble little creature it is!

Marriage aj kal

"Above all be no trouble" - these were the parting words of Bachan Singh to his daughter Roop when she was leaving for her husband's home. Sardarji, Roop's husband was almost her father's age and this was his second marriage, after the first one failed to yield an heir. Roop, kept her promise to her father, gave Sardarji two sons and a daughter, lived a life true to her duties and died in contentment.

In the beginning, I was sad for Roop - she was forced to transform herself into submission from the rebel she was before, but as the novel progressed, I saw that Roop was actually happy in playing the role of an obedient wife, giving absolutely no "trouble" to her husband. She had no expectations from her marriage.  For her, duties as a wife and mother were most important - whether she got anything more than provisions in return was immaterial. She was simply living a life that confirmed to the image of an ideal daughter, wife and mother. 

For the Roops of today, marriage means a lot more than just performing wifely duties. Today's Roop needs a man who can love her, respect her, seek her advice, be able to have a conversation with her, make her laugh and the list goes on. We simply refuse to be satisfied and always demand more. So, I ask you - Are we expecting too much? If all we seek is happiness, then weren't Roop's choices right? Are these expectations making us more and more disillusioned?

How is it that Roop found her happiness with so much little in return? Have our needs multiplied? Or have we become too selfish? I don't think any of these questions can be answered in an affirmative. Roop never knew the luxuries we are enslaved to today. She had two older siblings, a widowed aunt, a grandmother and parents staying under a roof. There were always more mouths to feed than there was food on the table. She could never imagine a room to herself. Life taught her to share and adjust the hard way. For all the comforts we take for granted today, there no denying the fact that they have made us thankless and rigid. Any kind of adjustment makes us irritable and disenchanted. 

I think our needs are still the same but we seek to satisfy them through one person. We feel that he should be able to satisfy all our desires. A marriage like Roop's was not merely a union of two individuals, it was an alliance between families; infact the entire village adopted Roop into its fold. Neighbors in those times were an extended family -  there were children who would make her laugh, there were elder sisters for much needed advice, grandmothers who were concerned-to-the-point-of-being-pokey, in-laws who would demand attention. Today we live amidst nameless faceless neighbors, families that are scattered and friends who get distant after marriage. In this world of fake intimacies, we build a shell around ourselves and expect our partner to be a grandmother, an elder sister, a brother, a friend - everyone at the same time, a difficult feat indeed.

Life was not all rosy when Roop lived; the freedom of choices we have today, she could have never even dreamed of. Marriage today is between equals, both of us are expected to bend a little for making it work. We just have to be mindful of each others' limits of elasticity. Family, friends, siblings and cousins are all a part of your existence - don't try to replace them with a spouse. As Kahlil Gibran said "let there be spaces in your togetherness" and our social circles give us the comfort of that space. Times have changed, but there will always be things that we can learn from Roop.

Calculations of love

“She’s wonderful. Tell her I’ve never seen such beautiful hands. I wonder what she sees in you.”
Waddington, smiling, translated the question.
“She says I’m good.”
“As if a woman ever loved a man for his virtue,” Kitty mocked.” 

These lines from the novel"The painted veil" have always intrigued me. Is it ever possible to love another person for his virtue and virtue alone? And if not, then what is the concept of true love? If appearances, affluence, caste and careers matter so much in our quest for love then do we really truly love the person we end up with?

"True love" is a creative concept which has been fed into us through movies and Jane Austens. In "pretty woman", Edward falls for Vivian, a prostitute, because despite her "unworthy" profession, she is a good girl. In "Bridget Jones' diary" Mark Darcy loves our crazy-to-the-point-of-being-insane Bridget "just the way she is". But, in real life, affections of such intensity don't happen. 

Sometimes I fear what if someone falls for my appearance and I mistake it for love? Beauty does not last forever. There will be a time when I will be ugly - will that love vanish then? I may have a position in the society today, but life may not stay the same. How will I judge if I am loved for what I am or is it just an infatuation with my public image? And isn't it the same the other way round? Why should I deny that I will also be easily able to love someone who is attractive and rich? Will that make me a shallow person?

I think love happens when all your calculations yield a satisficing result. Your mind works on these calculations, ticking away things that is expected in a love interest and if the ticks and more than the crosses, it feeds your heart with the signal of love. And these expectations are all determined by the society you live in. In a patriarchal society like India, a man will find it tough to love a woman who is professionally better than him. And if you have a conservative mindset, you will never be able to fall in love with a person from another caste or religion. So love is a game of mind and its the mind that controls the heart - it is the mind which tells the heart who it can love.

Though these calculations make love less "true", I don't think we are wrong in making them. A life of comfort, understanding and satisfaction is all we seek. There is nothing wrong in being conscious of your needs in a relationship. Only if you find your needs are fulfilled, will love make you happy. And these needs can range from being very genuine to being very outrageous. But, nevertheless, you should try to seek their fulfillment for your own sake.

Love is something that grows upon you with time. It is not the intensity but the longevity that is the test of "true" love. I have not seen a couple more in love than my grandparents. Towards her eighties, my grandmother suffered a stroke that left her paralyzed. She remained bed ridden for the last five years of her life, during which time, my grandfather was always by her side. She easily became irritable, screamed when denied her favorite dishes, but he was always patient and cajoled her like a little girl. And when she passed away, he cried like a baby whose toy had been snatched by God. 

So "true" love comes to fore when all calculations fade away, when life takes on a rocky turn, when you are alone but for your companion because as Kahlil Gibran said "Ever has it been that love knows not its depth until the hour of separation".

Blind God

India is a land of hundreds of Gods, god men, saints, gurus and pirs. We are a race of god-fearing people who religiously observe and celebrate our traditions everyday. At birth, we are named according to the letter chosen by the position of stars; we are told stories of sacred texts through our growing years; we get married at an auspicious time and to a person whose compatibility is measured by the matching of kundlis. When things go wrong, we turn to magical stones that have remedy for every ill.

We believe that there is an omnipresent, all-powerful, kind and compassionate God to take care of us from our cradle till our graves. If we respect his word, there will never be any suffering in our lives. But, is it really true? Haven't there been saintly people who have lived miserable lives? Why is there so much suffering in this world if there indeed a benevolent God up there?

Way back in April, as part of our training at the Academy I visited the Rann of Kutchh. It was a five hour road trip from the town of Bhuj in Gujarat. This was the time of the holy pilgrimage to the dargah of Haji Pir, across the salt plains of the Kutchh. Thousands of people - young and old walk with their belongings on their shoulders in the heat of the dry land. The guide told me that many of them walk for over a month in the hope that the blind God will be awakened to their plight. They all looked very poor, but they were all rich in the hope that their wishes will be fulfilled by the pir. It's quite amazing how tormented by miseries, they still believed in the benevolence of God.

I have always felt that God is a comforting idea that helps us surrender our worries to nature. Growing up we have always found people on whom we can just leave all our worries and smile. But there comes a time, when we can no longer do so and then it's the construct of God that gives us that much needed support. When there are no shoulders left for us to cry on we imagine the tough shoulders of God to carry us through.

Arun Shourie in his book "Does he know his mother's heart?" describes his search of God through his son Adit, who is mentally and physically challenged. He asks that if there were a kind God, why did he inflict such suffering on Adit? There can be no plausible explanation for a child to be born this way. He looks to all religions for solace and ultimately finds his answers in Buddhism.

Buddhism does not believe in the concept of God. It lays down the idea of overcoming suffering through "selfish service". The Buddha says that there is no point in questioning why God loved me less to have punished me like this. These whys, ifs and buts are futile; instead we should serve others and maybe this service will quench our miseries.

I really don't know how far these two perspectives reconcile. For me, personally, a mix of both usually works. God will not always be merciful, there will always be pain and suffering in this world - what we need to is realize that we are the hands of the blind God, we have the power to change things. But ultimately, we have to bow before the almighty and accept with grace his bounties. Some questions have no answers how much ever you ponder.

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

Yes this title is from a popular movie where one time sweethearts erase all their memories - bitter and sweet and start from scratch. But when I read this phrase I was reminded of a child who has a spotless mind - no memories, no qualms about life, no disappointments, nothing absolutely. Newborns just gaze at the world with surprise. It's as if they just don't understand what the mess is all about. Why are people shouting, screaming, laughing, crying - its an amazing spectacle for them.

Yesterday I was invited for the birthday of my young niece Pari at Gurgaon. It's been a long time since I have attended birthday so the idea that I have to get a gift for the birthday girl just slipped my mind. Thankfully there was a small market on the way from where I picked up a barbie color set. That's when my cousin reminded me about Pari's younger sister Ishi. She is now 6 months old and this was the first occasion when I was going to see her. So I picked up a little doll for her - didn't really know if she played with them but anyway little girls and dolls - that was quite a safe choice.

The scene at the birthday party was as usual quite festive. Little kids and their mothers were having a gala time clapping for the birthday girl and dancing around. I hugged Pari and gave her the gift which was kept away for the moment as there were already too many distractions for the kids and another gift was too much excitement. I had met my extended family after quite some time so next few minutes went in pleasantries and the like.

I am inherently not a very social person so I usually don't enjoy these gatherings but somehow yesterday was different and that's because I could see in front of me a living example of - Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind - well that's Ishi for you. This cute little girl was lying on the bed when I gifted her the doll, but she was too occupied to look at it. The doll to her, probably, was so less exciting than all the hullabaloo around her and rightly so. This little girl was totally at peace with herself; she needed no attention, she was happy all on her own. Now and then, she would look with amaze at the balloons and just smile. It was quite amazing, how such a simple thing could give her such happiness.

Sometimes when I sit around in such gatherings, I have this urge to open up the minds of people and see what they are thinking. But with Ishi, what will I find I wonder. Will she be thinking anything at all? Will she be making some stories out of all the tamasha around? But whatever it is she is thinking, those must be some very pleasant thoughts giving her such peace. Sometimes I think the process of growing up is corrupting. This spotless mind of a toddler gets spotted all over with temptations, pretensions, worries about the future and what not. So the idea that we become wiser with age is actually not entirely true. Buddhism says that desires are the cause of all despair in the world. A toddler has no desires except for being fed. So aren't  we the wisest when we are small and we grow up into these dissatisfied set of people finding faults with everything around?

In a way reaching the eternal state of peace is actually reaching back to what we were as kids. It's sort of unlearning what we have absorbed and assimilated through our lives. If you look at it this way, then achieving nirvana is nothing but completing the circle of life - reaching back to where we all started.

Single at Tilak Lane

A single independent women nearing 30 - well that's a nightmare for families in India. We were an extinct species till about two decades back but in today's India of aspirations and desires, our numbers have grown manifold. We are women who have shed years of our life trying to build our careers, deriving support from a society that values a financially independent woman. But then suddenly, the same set of people question our single hood and want us to get "settled" at any cost. Distant relatives feel that it's difficult to find a match for us because we are "overeducated" (if there were a word like that.).

Visit any nearby book shop and you will find loads and loads of self help books for all the single women out there recommending techniques to find that "right"guy. And to your amazement, you will find no such books for the happily unmarried available men. Is it so very important for women to find a partner but not so for men? Even women among us feel that way, and that is why these books are so much into circulation. How much ever strong we portray ourselves in our professional lives, when it comes to the question of marriage we feel helpless and cornered.

But is it so depressing to be single? Are we a group of miserable 30 somethings with nothing at all to look forward to? Well, I differ and in doing that I am seconded by 40 somethings who have already spent a decade into their marriages and envy us for our independence. I live an awesome life with another single friend, N ,  at a palatial apartment right in the center of Delhi - at Tilak Lane. Mornings start with a jog around India gate and on my way back I pick up vegetables and milk for breakfast. We cook together and have our cup of tea over tit bits of gossip. Dressing up for office has it's own charm - we mix and match and crack naughty jokes. After a mundane day at office, we make our weekend plans. It's either theater or an evening movie or a visit to some nice quiet place. We visit book fairs together, go for crazy shopping sprees. And to let our hearts out, we have our hideout place at Connaught place, where we shed tears over a cup of coffee. Yes we do have our sad moments but they are part of life and tying the knot does not mean eternal bliss right?

Yes I accept that I am apprehensive of the day when N gets married. Friends get distant and lose touch after marriage. Lazy, unplanned weekends - well that's a rarity with friends who have crossed over to the other side. You become reluctant to make late night panic calls considering that she may just ignore you. And that's all the more with women, who are expected to transform themselves for the sake of their married life. But, that fear is not reason enough to push myself into marrying the first guy that comes my way. I want to be confident of finding my happiness within and not be dependent upon others. I want to love myself and live a life that I will feel proud and happy of when I look back at all these years.

And I want to make it clear that I am not against the institution of marriage but I am against the concept of "marriageable age". In fact, I am proud to be part of an India where marriage is respected and safeguarded by families. Love doubles after marriage - you get two sets of parents, two sets of siblings, cousins and so on. Yes it is scary sometimes to realize that your in-laws may not be as accepting as your parents were but all is worth for the care that you get in return. I would want to get married of course, and I will when the right day comes but till then I am happy, content and totally awesome in my single life.