“She’s wonderful. Tell her I’ve never seen such beautiful hands. I wonder what she sees in you.”
Waddington, smiling, translated the question.
“She says I’m good.”
“As if a woman ever loved a man for his virtue,” Kitty mocked.”
Waddington, smiling, translated the question.
“She says I’m good.”
“As if a woman ever loved a man for his virtue,” Kitty mocked.”
These lines from the novel"The painted veil" have always intrigued me. Is it ever possible to love another person for his virtue and virtue alone? And if not, then what is the concept of true love? If appearances, affluence, caste and careers matter so much in our quest for love then do we really truly love the person we end up with?
"True love" is a creative concept which has been fed into us through movies and Jane Austens. In "pretty woman", Edward falls for Vivian, a prostitute, because despite her "unworthy" profession, she is a good girl. In "Bridget Jones' diary" Mark Darcy loves our crazy-to-the-point-of-being-insane Bridget "just the way she is". But, in real life, affections of such intensity don't happen.
Sometimes I fear what if someone falls for my appearance and I mistake it for love? Beauty does not last forever. There will be a time when I will be ugly - will that love vanish then? I may have a position in the society today, but life may not stay the same. How will I judge if I am loved for what I am or is it just an infatuation with my public image? And isn't it the same the other way round? Why should I deny that I will also be easily able to love someone who is attractive and rich? Will that make me a shallow person?
I think love happens when all your calculations yield a satisficing result. Your mind works on these calculations, ticking away things that is expected in a love interest and if the ticks and more than the crosses, it feeds your heart with the signal of love. And these expectations are all determined by the society you live in. In a patriarchal society like India, a man will find it tough to love a woman who is professionally better than him. And if you have a conservative mindset, you will never be able to fall in love with a person from another caste or religion. So love is a game of mind and its the mind that controls the heart - it is the mind which tells the heart who it can love.
Though these calculations make love less "true", I don't think we are wrong in making them. A life of comfort, understanding and satisfaction is all we seek. There is nothing wrong in being conscious of your needs in a relationship. Only if you find your needs are fulfilled, will love make you happy. And these needs can range from being very genuine to being very outrageous. But, nevertheless, you should try to seek their fulfillment for your own sake.
Love is something that grows upon you with time. It is not the intensity but the longevity that is the test of "true" love. I have not seen a couple more in love than my grandparents. Towards her eighties, my grandmother suffered a stroke that left her paralyzed. She remained bed ridden for the last five years of her life, during which time, my grandfather was always by her side. She easily became irritable, screamed when denied her favorite dishes, but he was always patient and cajoled her like a little girl. And when she passed away, he cried like a baby whose toy had been snatched by God.
So "true" love comes to fore when all calculations fade away, when life takes on a rocky turn, when you are alone but for your companion because as Kahlil Gibran said "Ever has it been that love knows not its depth until the hour of separation".
"True love" is a creative concept which has been fed into us through movies and Jane Austens. In "pretty woman", Edward falls for Vivian, a prostitute, because despite her "unworthy" profession, she is a good girl. In "Bridget Jones' diary" Mark Darcy loves our crazy-to-the-point-of-being-insane Bridget "just the way she is". But, in real life, affections of such intensity don't happen.
Sometimes I fear what if someone falls for my appearance and I mistake it for love? Beauty does not last forever. There will be a time when I will be ugly - will that love vanish then? I may have a position in the society today, but life may not stay the same. How will I judge if I am loved for what I am or is it just an infatuation with my public image? And isn't it the same the other way round? Why should I deny that I will also be easily able to love someone who is attractive and rich? Will that make me a shallow person?
I think love happens when all your calculations yield a satisficing result. Your mind works on these calculations, ticking away things that is expected in a love interest and if the ticks and more than the crosses, it feeds your heart with the signal of love. And these expectations are all determined by the society you live in. In a patriarchal society like India, a man will find it tough to love a woman who is professionally better than him. And if you have a conservative mindset, you will never be able to fall in love with a person from another caste or religion. So love is a game of mind and its the mind that controls the heart - it is the mind which tells the heart who it can love.
Though these calculations make love less "true", I don't think we are wrong in making them. A life of comfort, understanding and satisfaction is all we seek. There is nothing wrong in being conscious of your needs in a relationship. Only if you find your needs are fulfilled, will love make you happy. And these needs can range from being very genuine to being very outrageous. But, nevertheless, you should try to seek their fulfillment for your own sake.
Love is something that grows upon you with time. It is not the intensity but the longevity that is the test of "true" love. I have not seen a couple more in love than my grandparents. Towards her eighties, my grandmother suffered a stroke that left her paralyzed. She remained bed ridden for the last five years of her life, during which time, my grandfather was always by her side. She easily became irritable, screamed when denied her favorite dishes, but he was always patient and cajoled her like a little girl. And when she passed away, he cried like a baby whose toy had been snatched by God.
So "true" love comes to fore when all calculations fade away, when life takes on a rocky turn, when you are alone but for your companion because as Kahlil Gibran said "Ever has it been that love knows not its depth until the hour of separation".
Your journey has been as exciting as it could be... from feminist undertone... to philosopher .. to the romantic sheetal sarin ... My friend you started rock solid .. keep sailing .. there are many unknown islands that you gonna discover and in the process we will discover you .. :)
ReplyDeleteWe often think that love is romance, red roses and cards that say “I love you” or a nice dinner out, or any number of culturally accepted or personally desired ways of expression. In essence, love is much deeper than roses and cards and dinner or even nice words. It is an essential energy that runs in every aspect of life. And, we must give it to have it. Once we start to let the energy flow, we are doing an exceptional act of service.
ReplyDeleteVery touching specially the last section where you explained about our grandparent’s relation and love. They met through arrange marriage and over years of their togetherness created a special bonding of love which was pure and crystal clear. Sometimes love doesn’t happen at first sight. In those cases togetherness over years create that strong relation which results into strong bonding forever.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteLove n logic does not go together. A difficult emotion to understand. No maths required for understanding this emotion. Truly agree with your thoughts. Wishing you happy writing. Keen to read more.
ReplyDeleteConsidering practically in the present context of the Indian society,what you have written about "true love" is right upto a great extent.Having said that I'd like to add that "love n its calculations" varies for individual.There are two kind of people in the society...one who make calculations and then try to fall in love and others who fall in love and then make calculations.What you have said is about the former category of people.Let me tell u about the latter category.The latter ones just fall in love with person..without making any calculations of job,caste,status,age etc..just like kitty..and then they make calculations in such a way that the end result is what they want to be..the one which makes them happy with their partner..like rising or falling to please their partner..this infact is true love.The former category of people never get 'true love' or happiness..in spite of all the riches n comforts of the world while the latter ones are always happy for they have found 'true love'.Had it been as you have said then the richest n the most beautiful person on the earth would have found their 'true love' and would have been the happiest, but u also know they aren't.Regarding the example of ur grandparents..i agree true love can only stand the test of time..but still u also don't know how much more he would have loved your grandmother, had they had a love marriage.Love has no limits...can't be measured.So I feel its better to fall in love and then make calculations rather than the other way round. After all 'Love without sacrifice is meaningless'..and one can make sacrifices only in the latter case.
ReplyDeleteIts very true that when you are in true love, you don't calculate...you just are. You are in the moment, with that person. You just love his/her presence, you just love talking to him/her. Now this may sound fishy and childish...but it happens when you are truly in love. But what we, the so called "Practical People" do is, we calculate each and every thing. From age to salary to looks to height...everything damn thing, and after that we even go to the extent of boasting that we are in love. This is all a trap....
ReplyDeleteTrue Love is like an eternal bliss....