Black Swan

Every known religion of the world teaches us to be moral and at all costs shun depravity. The seven deadly sins - wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy and gluttony - were vices that every Christian was required to abstain from. Hindus, believe that a sinful act will lead to a negative consequence, known as the principle of karma. In Islam, actions against the teachings of Allah are considered haraam, no matter how good the intention is. Living a life of virtue is all about of restraining yourself from corrupt actions.

But, sometimes, you know that your actions would be wrong but you still feel tempted to commit them? Does that mean that you have lost all morality? Is it perfectly acceptable to have immoral thoughts if you don't act upon them? A dirty thought hidden in your mind - which no one would ever know - would that make you sinful? Do you sometimes face an internal conflict, a "black swan" raising its head, nudging you to immorality?

My sister is a charming, adorable girl with her heart at the right place. She has always had a long list of friends and admirers. I am more of a loner, in candid words - socially awkward. I have never confessed to her, but there were times, when I felt envious of her for all the attention that she got. These thoughts were not grave enough to compel me to act in sinful ways so I won't be called an immoral person by the society. If you commit the act, you are reprimanded and that helps you get over the guilt. But if this "black swan"just flutters its wings in your mind and you never confess in the fear that people may judge you, your sense of guilt eats you inside.

A powerful job brings with it many pulls and pressures. Your idea of morality is put to test each and every passing day. In the eyes to the world, you may be pronounced honest but there are moments when temptations rise in your head. Somewhere you know that once you go down the slippery path, there is no looking back. But, your head says - just this one time and never again. There is a constant tussle between the white and the black swan. Maybe, the white one wins at the end, but does that absolve you of all misdeeds? Are you not guilty of "thinking" greedy?

The only saving grace with thinking dirty is that it goes on in your head, it harms you and not the society. But, each passing moment, you feel ashamed that the person you envy loves you and the society still holds you in high regard. So, how do you fight your inner demons and clip the feathers of the black swan?Christianity has a concept called the confession box - you can stand behind a curtain and accept your thoughts before a priest who is duty bound to remain tight-lipped. Accepting your sinful thoughts definitely involves immense courage ; knowing that people may judge you is not easy. But the kind of liberation you feel after shedding this load overbearing on your soul is profound. The black swan gets emboldened unless you face it - challenge it and you will see what a feeble little creature it is!

Marriage aj kal

"Above all be no trouble" - these were the parting words of Bachan Singh to his daughter Roop when she was leaving for her husband's home. Sardarji, Roop's husband was almost her father's age and this was his second marriage, after the first one failed to yield an heir. Roop, kept her promise to her father, gave Sardarji two sons and a daughter, lived a life true to her duties and died in contentment.

In the beginning, I was sad for Roop - she was forced to transform herself into submission from the rebel she was before, but as the novel progressed, I saw that Roop was actually happy in playing the role of an obedient wife, giving absolutely no "trouble" to her husband. She had no expectations from her marriage.  For her, duties as a wife and mother were most important - whether she got anything more than provisions in return was immaterial. She was simply living a life that confirmed to the image of an ideal daughter, wife and mother. 

For the Roops of today, marriage means a lot more than just performing wifely duties. Today's Roop needs a man who can love her, respect her, seek her advice, be able to have a conversation with her, make her laugh and the list goes on. We simply refuse to be satisfied and always demand more. So, I ask you - Are we expecting too much? If all we seek is happiness, then weren't Roop's choices right? Are these expectations making us more and more disillusioned?

How is it that Roop found her happiness with so much little in return? Have our needs multiplied? Or have we become too selfish? I don't think any of these questions can be answered in an affirmative. Roop never knew the luxuries we are enslaved to today. She had two older siblings, a widowed aunt, a grandmother and parents staying under a roof. There were always more mouths to feed than there was food on the table. She could never imagine a room to herself. Life taught her to share and adjust the hard way. For all the comforts we take for granted today, there no denying the fact that they have made us thankless and rigid. Any kind of adjustment makes us irritable and disenchanted. 

I think our needs are still the same but we seek to satisfy them through one person. We feel that he should be able to satisfy all our desires. A marriage like Roop's was not merely a union of two individuals, it was an alliance between families; infact the entire village adopted Roop into its fold. Neighbors in those times were an extended family -  there were children who would make her laugh, there were elder sisters for much needed advice, grandmothers who were concerned-to-the-point-of-being-pokey, in-laws who would demand attention. Today we live amidst nameless faceless neighbors, families that are scattered and friends who get distant after marriage. In this world of fake intimacies, we build a shell around ourselves and expect our partner to be a grandmother, an elder sister, a brother, a friend - everyone at the same time, a difficult feat indeed.

Life was not all rosy when Roop lived; the freedom of choices we have today, she could have never even dreamed of. Marriage today is between equals, both of us are expected to bend a little for making it work. We just have to be mindful of each others' limits of elasticity. Family, friends, siblings and cousins are all a part of your existence - don't try to replace them with a spouse. As Kahlil Gibran said "let there be spaces in your togetherness" and our social circles give us the comfort of that space. Times have changed, but there will always be things that we can learn from Roop.

Calculations of love

“She’s wonderful. Tell her I’ve never seen such beautiful hands. I wonder what she sees in you.”
Waddington, smiling, translated the question.
“She says I’m good.”
“As if a woman ever loved a man for his virtue,” Kitty mocked.” 

These lines from the novel"The painted veil" have always intrigued me. Is it ever possible to love another person for his virtue and virtue alone? And if not, then what is the concept of true love? If appearances, affluence, caste and careers matter so much in our quest for love then do we really truly love the person we end up with?

"True love" is a creative concept which has been fed into us through movies and Jane Austens. In "pretty woman", Edward falls for Vivian, a prostitute, because despite her "unworthy" profession, she is a good girl. In "Bridget Jones' diary" Mark Darcy loves our crazy-to-the-point-of-being-insane Bridget "just the way she is". But, in real life, affections of such intensity don't happen. 

Sometimes I fear what if someone falls for my appearance and I mistake it for love? Beauty does not last forever. There will be a time when I will be ugly - will that love vanish then? I may have a position in the society today, but life may not stay the same. How will I judge if I am loved for what I am or is it just an infatuation with my public image? And isn't it the same the other way round? Why should I deny that I will also be easily able to love someone who is attractive and rich? Will that make me a shallow person?

I think love happens when all your calculations yield a satisficing result. Your mind works on these calculations, ticking away things that is expected in a love interest and if the ticks and more than the crosses, it feeds your heart with the signal of love. And these expectations are all determined by the society you live in. In a patriarchal society like India, a man will find it tough to love a woman who is professionally better than him. And if you have a conservative mindset, you will never be able to fall in love with a person from another caste or religion. So love is a game of mind and its the mind that controls the heart - it is the mind which tells the heart who it can love.

Though these calculations make love less "true", I don't think we are wrong in making them. A life of comfort, understanding and satisfaction is all we seek. There is nothing wrong in being conscious of your needs in a relationship. Only if you find your needs are fulfilled, will love make you happy. And these needs can range from being very genuine to being very outrageous. But, nevertheless, you should try to seek their fulfillment for your own sake.

Love is something that grows upon you with time. It is not the intensity but the longevity that is the test of "true" love. I have not seen a couple more in love than my grandparents. Towards her eighties, my grandmother suffered a stroke that left her paralyzed. She remained bed ridden for the last five years of her life, during which time, my grandfather was always by her side. She easily became irritable, screamed when denied her favorite dishes, but he was always patient and cajoled her like a little girl. And when she passed away, he cried like a baby whose toy had been snatched by God. 

So "true" love comes to fore when all calculations fade away, when life takes on a rocky turn, when you are alone but for your companion because as Kahlil Gibran said "Ever has it been that love knows not its depth until the hour of separation".

Blind God

India is a land of hundreds of Gods, god men, saints, gurus and pirs. We are a race of god-fearing people who religiously observe and celebrate our traditions everyday. At birth, we are named according to the letter chosen by the position of stars; we are told stories of sacred texts through our growing years; we get married at an auspicious time and to a person whose compatibility is measured by the matching of kundlis. When things go wrong, we turn to magical stones that have remedy for every ill.

We believe that there is an omnipresent, all-powerful, kind and compassionate God to take care of us from our cradle till our graves. If we respect his word, there will never be any suffering in our lives. But, is it really true? Haven't there been saintly people who have lived miserable lives? Why is there so much suffering in this world if there indeed a benevolent God up there?

Way back in April, as part of our training at the Academy I visited the Rann of Kutchh. It was a five hour road trip from the town of Bhuj in Gujarat. This was the time of the holy pilgrimage to the dargah of Haji Pir, across the salt plains of the Kutchh. Thousands of people - young and old walk with their belongings on their shoulders in the heat of the dry land. The guide told me that many of them walk for over a month in the hope that the blind God will be awakened to their plight. They all looked very poor, but they were all rich in the hope that their wishes will be fulfilled by the pir. It's quite amazing how tormented by miseries, they still believed in the benevolence of God.

I have always felt that God is a comforting idea that helps us surrender our worries to nature. Growing up we have always found people on whom we can just leave all our worries and smile. But there comes a time, when we can no longer do so and then it's the construct of God that gives us that much needed support. When there are no shoulders left for us to cry on we imagine the tough shoulders of God to carry us through.

Arun Shourie in his book "Does he know his mother's heart?" describes his search of God through his son Adit, who is mentally and physically challenged. He asks that if there were a kind God, why did he inflict such suffering on Adit? There can be no plausible explanation for a child to be born this way. He looks to all religions for solace and ultimately finds his answers in Buddhism.

Buddhism does not believe in the concept of God. It lays down the idea of overcoming suffering through "selfish service". The Buddha says that there is no point in questioning why God loved me less to have punished me like this. These whys, ifs and buts are futile; instead we should serve others and maybe this service will quench our miseries.

I really don't know how far these two perspectives reconcile. For me, personally, a mix of both usually works. God will not always be merciful, there will always be pain and suffering in this world - what we need to is realize that we are the hands of the blind God, we have the power to change things. But ultimately, we have to bow before the almighty and accept with grace his bounties. Some questions have no answers how much ever you ponder.

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

Yes this title is from a popular movie where one time sweethearts erase all their memories - bitter and sweet and start from scratch. But when I read this phrase I was reminded of a child who has a spotless mind - no memories, no qualms about life, no disappointments, nothing absolutely. Newborns just gaze at the world with surprise. It's as if they just don't understand what the mess is all about. Why are people shouting, screaming, laughing, crying - its an amazing spectacle for them.

Yesterday I was invited for the birthday of my young niece Pari at Gurgaon. It's been a long time since I have attended birthday so the idea that I have to get a gift for the birthday girl just slipped my mind. Thankfully there was a small market on the way from where I picked up a barbie color set. That's when my cousin reminded me about Pari's younger sister Ishi. She is now 6 months old and this was the first occasion when I was going to see her. So I picked up a little doll for her - didn't really know if she played with them but anyway little girls and dolls - that was quite a safe choice.

The scene at the birthday party was as usual quite festive. Little kids and their mothers were having a gala time clapping for the birthday girl and dancing around. I hugged Pari and gave her the gift which was kept away for the moment as there were already too many distractions for the kids and another gift was too much excitement. I had met my extended family after quite some time so next few minutes went in pleasantries and the like.

I am inherently not a very social person so I usually don't enjoy these gatherings but somehow yesterday was different and that's because I could see in front of me a living example of - Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind - well that's Ishi for you. This cute little girl was lying on the bed when I gifted her the doll, but she was too occupied to look at it. The doll to her, probably, was so less exciting than all the hullabaloo around her and rightly so. This little girl was totally at peace with herself; she needed no attention, she was happy all on her own. Now and then, she would look with amaze at the balloons and just smile. It was quite amazing, how such a simple thing could give her such happiness.

Sometimes when I sit around in such gatherings, I have this urge to open up the minds of people and see what they are thinking. But with Ishi, what will I find I wonder. Will she be thinking anything at all? Will she be making some stories out of all the tamasha around? But whatever it is she is thinking, those must be some very pleasant thoughts giving her such peace. Sometimes I think the process of growing up is corrupting. This spotless mind of a toddler gets spotted all over with temptations, pretensions, worries about the future and what not. So the idea that we become wiser with age is actually not entirely true. Buddhism says that desires are the cause of all despair in the world. A toddler has no desires except for being fed. So aren't  we the wisest when we are small and we grow up into these dissatisfied set of people finding faults with everything around?

In a way reaching the eternal state of peace is actually reaching back to what we were as kids. It's sort of unlearning what we have absorbed and assimilated through our lives. If you look at it this way, then achieving nirvana is nothing but completing the circle of life - reaching back to where we all started.

Single at Tilak Lane

A single independent women nearing 30 - well that's a nightmare for families in India. We were an extinct species till about two decades back but in today's India of aspirations and desires, our numbers have grown manifold. We are women who have shed years of our life trying to build our careers, deriving support from a society that values a financially independent woman. But then suddenly, the same set of people question our single hood and want us to get "settled" at any cost. Distant relatives feel that it's difficult to find a match for us because we are "overeducated" (if there were a word like that.).

Visit any nearby book shop and you will find loads and loads of self help books for all the single women out there recommending techniques to find that "right"guy. And to your amazement, you will find no such books for the happily unmarried available men. Is it so very important for women to find a partner but not so for men? Even women among us feel that way, and that is why these books are so much into circulation. How much ever strong we portray ourselves in our professional lives, when it comes to the question of marriage we feel helpless and cornered.

But is it so depressing to be single? Are we a group of miserable 30 somethings with nothing at all to look forward to? Well, I differ and in doing that I am seconded by 40 somethings who have already spent a decade into their marriages and envy us for our independence. I live an awesome life with another single friend, N ,  at a palatial apartment right in the center of Delhi - at Tilak Lane. Mornings start with a jog around India gate and on my way back I pick up vegetables and milk for breakfast. We cook together and have our cup of tea over tit bits of gossip. Dressing up for office has it's own charm - we mix and match and crack naughty jokes. After a mundane day at office, we make our weekend plans. It's either theater or an evening movie or a visit to some nice quiet place. We visit book fairs together, go for crazy shopping sprees. And to let our hearts out, we have our hideout place at Connaught place, where we shed tears over a cup of coffee. Yes we do have our sad moments but they are part of life and tying the knot does not mean eternal bliss right?

Yes I accept that I am apprehensive of the day when N gets married. Friends get distant and lose touch after marriage. Lazy, unplanned weekends - well that's a rarity with friends who have crossed over to the other side. You become reluctant to make late night panic calls considering that she may just ignore you. And that's all the more with women, who are expected to transform themselves for the sake of their married life. But, that fear is not reason enough to push myself into marrying the first guy that comes my way. I want to be confident of finding my happiness within and not be dependent upon others. I want to love myself and live a life that I will feel proud and happy of when I look back at all these years.

And I want to make it clear that I am not against the institution of marriage but I am against the concept of "marriageable age". In fact, I am proud to be part of an India where marriage is respected and safeguarded by families. Love doubles after marriage - you get two sets of parents, two sets of siblings, cousins and so on. Yes it is scary sometimes to realize that your in-laws may not be as accepting as your parents were but all is worth for the care that you get in return. I would want to get married of course, and I will when the right day comes but till then I am happy, content and totally awesome in my single life.