SATC girls

One advantage of being single is that you get to spend quality time with girl friends who always make you feel special come what may. This Sunday was one of those moments when I really felt that having girl friends is one of the best things a woman can have. The plan was impromptu but the reason was special - it was the break-up party of a dear friend. We chose a loud hangout place and made no efforts at being sober. But, the best part of the evening was the fact that each of us had some thoughts to take away home, some shakeup deep inside compelling us to look at ourselves in a completely new light. 

The evening started off with a dressing up spree. For the first time, I got to know that my roommate N had such a rich wardrobe. Me and D, borrowed her dresses, put on our heels and we three got into the cab hurriedly asking him to shoot away to Khan Market where our fourth compatriot had already arrived. Then was the time for some melodrama - N let her heart out to us exposing all that she felt throughout the relationship. I have known N for the last five months and I was always aware that she has this soft inside which she hides inside her hard exterior. N told us how the guy always made her feel that she was not right and manipulated her into thinking that she was not good enough. But what hit me hardest of her outbursts was when she said - "I don't think anyone will ever love me."

What shook me was the realization that each of us, despite being the cream of women in India lacked what I call a feeling of self worth. Woman always look for a man to make them feel special and loved. And if we are single, we start doubting our attractiveness and our charm. We feel that we are not good enough to be able to attract men. We go bankrupt on our attire and saloon visits just for a word of appreciation from an obscure member of the male community. Our world goes round and round the lives of men who have easily made way to our hearts held very delicately on our sleeves. "Did he call?"; "Oh he didn't?"; "Did he message?"; "What must he be thinking?"; "Should I send him this pic?";"Oh, probably not, I look so fat in this and so ugly." - These endless questions just clog up our mind, making us incapable of ever thinking about ourselves. We lose ourselves somewhere in the quest of making our man happy and satisfied.

So why is it that we women don't love ourselves? Why are we so vulnerable to heart breaks? Getting hurt in relationships is like our best pastime. We care more about what others think about us and not what we think of ourselves. D, says that these inner demons have been fed by our social conditioning. We are taught to live for others and at each and every moment be conscious of what the society expects from a "good" girl. I don't think that this concept of living up to the image that society expects us to carry is bad per se. Women, being the propagators of human race, definitely carry an immense amount of responsibility on their shoulders. As mothers, we are the first teachers to our children and so it is indeed important that we follow certain rules of conduct that can help us deliver on our roles. As wives, we bring in the soft element in the family that binds it together. As daughters, we are the poles of strength that though feeble in looks, can withstand all pain. In this battle of expectations and individuality, it is we who have to draw the line. Each of us had to understand that in the process of giving we should not give ourselves up. People who care for us, will always be conscious of our needs and give us the space to be ourselves with no qualms whatsoever. But, those who don't will always impose their will on us in the garb of society's expectations.

This tough lesson has been hard to learn for many of us, but it is only falls in our life that make us rise higher. So at the end of this lovely Sunday evening, the four awesome SATC girls decided to find things that interest them, explore hobbies that will make them fuller and pledged to live a life that will be more meaningful. Charles Bukowski has said famously that "There is a place in the heart that will never be filled. And even during the best moments and the greatest times we will know it. There is a place in the heart that will never get filled and we will wait and wait in that space." This space is for you to fill - so girls, explore this beautiful world and love yourself because you are worthy.

Our patterned spectacles

India today is a confluence of values and ideas - new and old. We are imbibing new values while at the same time trying to keep our conservatism intact. We are shedding our decadent notions and striving to be forward looking and liberal. We fight to live by our new found principles, at each step fending off taunts from the society of being too "fast" or "modern". And we all are proud of our audacity to stand as islands of modernity in an ocean of ignorance. But there are moments when you realize that your principles are a farce and they will not be able to survive in the turbulence of the ocean. In fact, we have never really faced the ocean, always comforting ourselves within the glass walls of our city homes. We look at the world in a certain manner when in our cocoons and with the same ease don our patterned spectacles when faced with the heat of the wilderness.

Just a couple of weeks back, I visited the hill station of Manali with a friend and her husband. The entire trip was planned by her and I just tagged along. Since we were three, she booked a seat for me in the ladies quota which meant that only another lady could occupy the seat next to me. This was bad news for the bus operator since there was no other single lady apart from me travelling that day. Initially he was polite and asked my friend to shift next to me but when she refused, he raised his tone. It came to the point when there was an open altercation and he asked me to get down after paying some token amount. And all this while, he never talked to me, he was always addressing my friend's husband, making me feel as if I was a non-entity just because I was a lady and it was the male member of our group who was responsible for my decisions. I was quite shaken aback by his behavior but what shocked me more was my reaction to the entire episode. Somewhere deep down, I felt a sense of relief that there was a male in our group and I didn't have to deal with this crass bus operator. I was not angry at him for treating me like a nobody and I gracefully let him do that because I found myself incapable of even reasoning with him.

I have always been a person who makes all efforts to uphold and live by my liberal principles and supports freedom of choice. And in my foolish idealism, I sometimes act just to test my depth of conviction. But, most of the time these experiments are within my comfort zone. So, I have traveled alone before, on a leisure trip, but by air consciously not choosing a cheaper media like a bus. Does that mean that all my talk to idealism is only within the confines of my glasshouse? And once I face an alien world, I comfortably slip into my old spectacles looking at things the same way as others do.

And if that is so, then I am a hypocrite who changes stance to suit the situation. I am a coward at some level, refusing to confront the toughness of the world.

It is true that in life one has to be flexible with the way one reacts to each situation. That is pragmatism. An idealistic approach in life is not practical. Sometimes, we should let the situation dictate our reaction. Deep inside, we all know how strong we are. Maybe I was not strong enough to be able to confront the scene that unfolded in the bus, so it is totally fine to let the situation take control. Sometimes idealism does not help solve problems and instead complicates matters. But yes, we have to judge when to confront and when to back off.

That incident on the bus, apart from causing us a moment of discomfort, taught me a lot about myself. I have realized that each of us is layered and it is through these occasional forays in the real world that we uncover those layers. We say that we don't understand others but the truth is that we actually don't know ourselves. So, let yourself be free, come out of your cocoons and discover yourself!